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04 September 2010 @ 08:36 am
I'm hungover. Not cool.

I only had three glasses of wine and one rum and coke, and I matched it for water, and took a gravol when I got home. This should not be happening :(

Oh well. I had fun last night. I went to a show at Bartholomews with the meetup group, and James and Meaghan came too.

There's this girl, Kim, who I've met at a few different meetups now. I'm really not a fan, she's just annoying and awkward. But she seems to really like me, I guess. She's in her 30's, I think 34, and she admitted to me last night that she's a virgin! What do I say? I'm totally in the opposite place, and I think it's odd that that happens, although I know that it seems to happen a lot.

Meaghan got really drunk, and it was pretty funny. I'm happy that her and I are friends. Sometimes I think about staying in Victoria, but then I think of the housing market and say "what the hell are you thinking?" But, the whole thing about working for my aunt and uncle isn't reliable anymore. Their marriage is the pits, it's only a matter of time until the business is sold.

Anyway, that's all for right now. I'm heading to GreekFest today. Should be some delicious food. If I can keep it down.
03 September 2010 @ 02:57 pm
Well, I must've really scared myself today with the whole "praying" incident.

I went to chapters after work to get a book for my new book club (I'm really excited about it, I love the girl who started it, even though I've only met her once), and I wandered over to the religion section looking for atheist books, which I do almost every time I'm there.

Today, I actually found one. I found a ton, actually, but one that I felt was dumbed down enough for me to actually get something out of. It's called "The Atheist Way" and it's basically 'so you're an atheist - now what?'

I've read a little bit of it so far and I like it!

I feel much better, and it's amazing how my whole mood just perked right up.

Also, James has been busting his butt at work and got a $350 bonus on his next cheque. Awesome!
03 September 2010 @ 11:04 am
The long weekend is here. I'm going to another show tonight with the same meetup.com group, but different people this time. I hope it's fun. I think that Meaghan is going to come, too.

James has to work tomorrow and I'm going to greekfest with some people from the same group.

I'm glad that I joined this, but sometimes it just highlights that I'm so self conscious. Hopefully I'll get better soon.

I've been thinking about god a lot lately. I know, I know - I don't believe in god. And I don't. Just, sometimes, I wish the whole idea was real. It would really make things a whole lot easier. I sort of prayed today while I was going pee. It was weird and didn't make me feel at all better, in fact, pretty embarassed with myself, and I regretted it immediately.

I just so desperately want to have people to talk to about atheism, and I can't seem to find them anywhere. So, then it starts to feel like "well, if you can't beat em, join em." Which is ridiculous, but sometimes having a belief in science feels very lonely.

I have to go back to work now, which I really wish I didn't have to do. Obviously.
01 September 2010 @ 09:28 pm
Just got home from a Beatles cover band at the clubhouse. They were good. I went with a meetup.com group I joined in an effort to make friends. It was good, a good amount of people and they all seemed nice, and James came.

I wish that he was more forward and confident, but I'm going through this whole thing where I'm reminding myself to just accept him as he is and enjoy it for what it is. For instance, he knew I wanted to dance (and I know he did, too), but he was so nervous about asking me to dance! He said he kept waiting for the right song, and then managed to pick the only song I didn't like and then acted self conscious. At first I couldn't help but think "god! Just ask your wife to dance, dummy! It's not like I'm going to say no, or that it even matters if I do!" But then I thought "how cute, he's nervous still, he worries what I'll think of him." And I kind of like that.

Trying to stay positive here.

Thing with Kim=still not good. But James is being very helpful, so that's always welcomed.

We somehow managed to forget to pay our bill at the bar, so James went back and is paying it now. How nice that he just goes and does that for me, so that I can stay home and write about how I wish he were different. What a horrible wife.
31 August 2010 @ 06:45 pm
I barely use this anymore. I keep reading livejournal, but mainly just to watch communities to kill time.

Maybe I should start updating more often again.

So...what's been going on? Well, I'm lonely.

And it really sucks.

I keep trying to find things to fix it, but it's more like I'm just running away.

In the past two years I've become so unsure of myself and my place. I question all the time whether people like me or not, to the point where I barely talk anymore. I've been feeling like I'm losing myself more and more since I moved to Victoria, but the past two years have been especially difficult.

I had a huge fight with Kim today. She came to Victoria and didn't tell me. She was going to, she says, but who knows? I feel stupid for still thinking of her as my parent when she has this whole new family that she's chosen before me since she met them, but for some reason, I still expect that I'm important to her. We hadn't fought in eight years, and (no exaggeration), I don't think we'll ever speak again.

Long story short, I don't know where I fit in anymore.
09 November 2009 @ 04:13 pm
I'm so frustrated, angry, upset, sad, depressed, overwhelmed, confused, shattered, stunned, damaged, resentful, enraged, I can't even cry to let go of the stress of it all.
15 December 2008 @ 08:39 am
Lot's of things happening...sort of.

I cut my work days to three a week. It's still thirty hours a week, so I'm not going broke or anything. My job is alright. It's not alright, actually. I hate it, but I make good enough money for right now so I'm keeping it. Plus, the hours rock. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday I start at either 6am, 8am or 9am and I'm there for ten hours, and then for four days a week I get to forget about my job.

Christmas is coming soon. I'm almost done my shopping. I might try and finish it up today, but the snow is making it difficult. My car is completely blocked in and now that I'm used to having a car, taking a bus (especially in the snow) will be very difficult to convince myself to do.

I've started to decorate cakes and such in my spare time. I'm having a lot of fun with it, but try to plan it when I have a place to take them so that I don't eat them all the time.

I've been seeing my own personal counselor again and I'm really dealing with a lot of stuff that I've put off for a long time. This is a major reason why I cut my work hours down. So far it's going well, but I'm developing a stupid crush on the guy, which is so cliche. But, it's working. I'm curbing my odd desire to demand perfect service wherever I am, and I'm trying hard not to judge everyone so harshly. I'm basically looking back at the recurring critiques on my personality that I've heard over the years and dealing with them, finally, rather than just feeling like shit about them but not changing anything. I'm trying not to be too bossy, and the one I'm struggling with the most is lowering my expectations.

I guess right now I'm going to work on getting a bagel.
31 March 2007 @ 06:36 pm
I'm sad right now.

I hate this. I keep thinking that I'm doing better, but I'm still having about three shitty days in a week, and one of them is usually really bad. I'm just sad.

I miss you, livejournal. I'm sorry I've abandoned you.

At work today, this old bitch of a woman smelled like my grandma and I started crying behind the counter. I cried because I missed my grandma, and because this woman was so awful. I wish she had been nice and I could've been happy to have a memory, but she wasn't. She was mean and rude. Now, for the life of me, I can't remember what the smell is. I keep trying and trying and it's faded, and I'm so scared that the last time I got to smell my grandma was on this horrible person.

I'm supposed to go out dancing tonight, and I want to, but I'm tired and depressed. I hate living in Victoria now. I feel like I don't fit in anymore. And I don't want to...that's the difference. I'm fine with not going out and doing a bunch of crazy partying...those who have seen me drunk know it's best anyway. I'm just sick of feeling lame because of the people here.

I hate this. I'm trying, you know? I'm going to a counselor every week and I'm trying to be a better person...to not be so selfish and snappy, I'm trying to not expect too much of people, and to forgive myself when I do, while still owning up to my mistakes to the people I've hurt. I'm trying to deal with losing my grandma and my promotion at work, and what happened last summer, and it's just too much.

I miss my mom and dad so much. I feel so stupid because when I was close to them, we never got along, but because I'm old enough to take some of the responsibility of maintaining a relationship with my parents, it's gotten better now.

I feel so guilty about feeling this way. What's wrong with me? Why can't I handle what normal people can handle? I'm so scared to make friends. I don't want to lose anyone else that I love. I need to learn to be a better friend before I make more. I'm so scared of being alone, but when I'm not I crave it.

Blah...I'm going to call Chris.
02 February 2007 @ 06:06 pm
I feel nostalgic. Listening to music and talking on msn always brings me back to when I used to talk to Nathan for hours on msn while listening to the cars. I miss Nathan.

I miss a lot of people. I think more than anything I miss feeling at home.

But I am home. I don't want to live in stupid Maple Ridge anymore. Bah.

I have this crazy fear that my grandma has died, and everyone in my family is lieing to me about it.

I feel like I'm fifteen again. I feel sad all the time. The only time I haven't been sad lately is when chris came over last night to watch grey's.

I feel like I can't handle anything, and I'm so sensitive. My entire day, from the moment I wake up, is spent on the verge of tears, and it's a constant battle to not break down. I don't know why I'm writing this. I feel so guilty. I have such a good life. I have such a loving boyfriend, and a well-paying job, and I live in a beautiful city.

I'm scared that I'm going to struggle with this same thought pattern for my entire life. Like nothing will be good enough, like I'll never be happy.

Tonight's lame. I'm going to go watch Wheel of Fortune and eat too much.

23 January 2007 @ 03:37 pm
Wow. I have the internet again. Hoorah!

Nick and I got it all set up on Monday, so now I have the internet, cable and a landline. It's nice to feel connected again.

So, what's been happening?

*Nick moves in in very few days (eek, sort of).
*The deli manager is going away for two months in a little while and I have to take over for him while he's gone, and get a rad bonus for doing so.
*Nick found a new job, which he starts in two weeks. I'm glad we're not going to be working together anymore.
*I have an appointment with Volunteer Victoria for Thursday to see what might be a good thing for me to volunteer with based on my interests and availability.
*I've started seeing a counselor. Nick set me up with one, and she's a little weird, but I'll be able to find one that I get along with within her office.

Chris and I are going out for dinner so I can get out of this place, so I've got to get ready, but I'll update more later.