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31 October 2010 @ 11:31 am
 
I went to a Halloween party last night with James, Meaghan, Leanne and Rhonda. I had fun, but couldn't really get into the partying mode.

Also, James made a gay joke...sort of. He started it, and then stumbled around about it and then I walked into the room and heard him trying to say it and then he sort of just stopped and said he didn't remember it. I waited all night for him to bring it up and apologize or try and explain himself or something and of course he didn't.

I brought it up when we got home today and it's been a disaster. He understands why I'm upset and he said that he's ashamed and sorry, but I can't get over it.

I don't think he knows or cares the kind of position he's put me into with this. And I keep flip flopping from trying to just move past it and then thinking that no, this is totally unforgiveable.

And, of course, I keep thinking about how many times he makes gay jokes when I'm not around. It's disgusting. He said it's the first time in years, but who knows? I feel like a fool for believing that.

I know he's not prejudice when it comes right down to it, but I need to be with someone who's more than just "not prejudice" on this issue. I need someone who wants to fight along with me, and my family.

I'm upset because I feel like it shows me that he doesn't think of my family as his family.

Ugh.

So, right now we're not talking and it's awkward and it sucks and I'm not sure what to do.

I'm mad at him for putting us in this position, but mainly I'm just totally shocked and disappointed that he would do it. I thought that he had changed from when I met him. How stupid.
 
 
 
nathanscannathanscan on November 10th, 2010 10:01 am (UTC)
I think that there is a difference between making a gay joke and being anti-gay. There is nothing mutually exclusive in the acts of promoting gay rights and making gay people. I know people that actively promote gay rights, some of whom are even gay, and they both laugh at and make gay jokes. I work with a black guy that does the same with black jokes. I'm a drunk irishman who is quite okay with being made fun of on those grounds. Part of celebrating difference is being able to make fun of them. If the kind of jokes people make is sufficient to judge their character, I would be worse than hitler in a lot or respects.

For example: "what do Ethiopians do at night?"...."starve"
I laugh at this joke, and I have no guilt in it.

You don't have to find it funny, but to say that I'm racist or pro poverty or whatnot would be a stretch.
jennjennsrear on November 10th, 2010 01:43 pm (UTC)
While I totally get what you're saying, and James made the same arguement, the difference for me is that this is such a personal issue with me, and I feel like being so close with me, James should know and respect that.

I think we're still at a time where, if someone makes a gay joke, you wonder if they're homophobic or not if you don't know them very well, and we were surrounded by people that we had just met that night. Not the impression that I want my husband to be putting across, or for me to be connected to. Had he just been saying the same joke to me, I might've even laughed. I'm not incapable of laughing at politically incorrect humour, I just think we should be careful about the context and who we're around.

Anyone of those people could've been homophobic themselves, or gay, and I'm not okay with being connected to someone who's going to risk being totally offensive or who's going to risk breeding hatred. I know this may seem extreem, but homophobia is still really rampid. It's still in movies and tv, and they're still fighting for rights, so I find it a really relevant thing to be careful of.

To me, there's a time and a place, and I think he was really irresponsible in what he chose to do. To me, it was insulting to my family to say that kind of a joke in a place that it could've been taken the wrong way by someone he doesn't know, and that matters to me.

And, come on, it's totally different for a gay person to say a gay joke or a black person to say a black joke....everyone knows this. I think it also matters who you say them around.

Anyway, I get where you're coming from, but I think that the gay community is still bataling people who DO actively make fun of them that we're just not in a place yet where people automatically assume that you're not homophobic if you're making gay jokes....I hope you get that, that last sentence was kinda wonky but I have to go to work. haha