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10 December 2011 @ 09:39 am
I've really been getting into the holidays this year.

James and I aren't christian (at all!) so in some ways it seemed ridiculous for us to be celebrating one of the most important christian holidays. But we have traditions surrounding the holidays, and I've always loved tradition, so that started me looking into other holiday traditions.

I was originally researching all the winter holidays, took a good look into winter solstice and was trying to find a good mix for what would be right for my family.  I learned about Kwanzaa and Chanukah and Ramadan. And then I stumbled across a secular holiday that was started about ten years ago called Human Light.

So far, I'm really digging Human Light. It's celebrated on (or around) December 23rd and focuses mainly on humanist principals. There aren't many rules to follow (that would kind of go against humanism anyway), but they hope that Human Light celebrations include live music, entertainment for children, no ill words about religion, faith or other winter holidays. The main point is that they use the time to pay respect to the qualities of reason, compassion and hope. And that's definitely something I can get behind.

I looked into the Victoria Secular Humanist Association and will be attending a few lectures they give once the new year starts. The idea of sharing a community based on my beliefs is something that I've been hoping to find, but couldn't seem to get anywhere with it. The lecture I missed last week (it was my date night with James) was on organic farming, which I'm sad to have missed since I have very little knowledge on it, but I'm excited to hear about more to come.

I haven't figured it all out yet, but I know I'm now feeling more comfortable and happy this holiday season than any other.

I'm trying to still incorporate the traditions that we have held that remain important to us and respect our beliefs at the same time. So far it's working pretty well!

There's also a slight chance my mom will be visiting us for the holidays, and my dad is already coming over to stay with us. I haven't shared a holiday with both my biological parents since I was 1. I've only had one shared holiday with them in my life, and I clearly don't remember it. Just the thought of it happening this year almost makes me cry. I love them both so much, and my relationships with them are only getting better as I get older. 

20 September 2011 @ 07:12 pm
I'm feeling inspired.

Even if I'm only feeling inspired enough to get up off my ass, make a cup of tea and come back to sit on my ass, that's just fine. But I'm inspired.

I'm thinking of starting an actual 'blog' (I'd rather call it an 'open journal', so I will) ...one that others may see. I know that writing is good just for yourself, but it's sure nice to know that someone out there is reading, too.

I can see big changes in my life happening. I'm growing...learning...reigniting passion and finding out more about myself than ever before.

Like, maybe it's okay to be inspired to adopt children because your favourite tv characters did it. It still feels right.

Maybe it's okay to miss your friend so badly that you listen to songs that remind you of him everyday, but you just can't bring yourself to tell him that.

Maybe it's okay to not be naturally creative, but still try.

Maybe it's okay to eat five muffins tops in one day (it was only the tops, after all).

Maybe it's okay to only think about going for a walk every day, but still sitting on my computer.

I get so caught up in what I'm not doing...in how I'm falling short...in all the things I want to be...in what I see in others... that I wind up hating myself. I forget that I am changing, growing, in ways that I want to and in ways that I never expected.

I gave myself a bed time and I (pretty much) stick to it. This has really helped me have more mental and physical energy for my job and for my weekends.

I changed my marriage for the better. I did that. We have a chance now because I changed things. I've never been more proud of anything.

I don't watch tv to fall asleep anymore. I listen to podcasts that make me laugh and think of my husband.

I have made good friendships, ones that I think will last a lifetime, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

I stop myself when I'm angry instead of unloading onto others. I went the route of being nice and compromising the other day during a conflict with a stranger.

I actually said "I'm asking as a human being...to you, another human being...that we be nice to one another. That we help each other and maybe smile and say hello".

I got a door slammed in my face, but what can you do? At least I handled myself in a way that I can be happy with.

I am changing. I am growing. I am inspired.
Current Music: Dog Days Are Over
01 February 2011 @ 02:44 pm
I keep thinking I've come up with the perfect career for myself and then I realize why I wouldn't like it, or it wouldn't fit in with my life.

I know that we can't be sure what road our life will head down, and just because I choose one career now doesn't mean I can't change it, but I'd like to have one at least for a long time, while I go through having kids and buying a condo. And then when the kids are a little bit older, I can go back and figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I know I'd love, love, love to be a chef, but not with kids. And I know something like legal secretary would be good, but do I really want to feel like someone's assistant when I'm 40?

I like my job now, but it's not secure. It's just a job, it's not something that I can take to a different employer and step right into that role again. Well, I probably could with the amount of management experience I have, but all of my experience is mainly with locally owned businesses, which aren't good for benefits, or job security. But I have a lot of freedom in them, which is what I would miss and hate about working within a franchise or chain.

I know I'd be good at some sort of social work, but it'll cost me a ton of money to go through the programs and get the certificates and then make the same amount that I'm making now, but with all that debt.

10 November 2010 @ 10:58 am
So, I'm moving on Monday. We found a two bedroom in James Bay that's pretty nice and quite big.

Things are kind of up and down at work right now, my boss has to help his mom at her work so he wanted me to take over his job and do my job and he offered me $400 a cheque more, before taxes. I said no. I said I was looking for a second job to help pay for school, which I'm planning on starting in September. I could find a job for 20 hours a week at $14/hour, so I would need a bit more than that from him to make it worth my while.

He asked how much my tuition is going to be, and when I said $8000 he said he might be able to just give me that for doing this from December to September. I hope that's how it works out. I'd rather not search for a new job.

Tomorrow is a holiday, so that's nice. I'm going to get lots of packing done. That's the plan, at least. I just want to be moved already. Blah.

I'm going in on Saturday and Sunday to paint the new apartment. I'm doing it by myself because James has a course to go to. I invited my mother in law and sister in law, but neither of them are really into it. I keep trying to come up with stuff for us to do together and they're never interested. It's frustrating. And I asked my friend, Meaghan, and she's away so she can't help. It sucks not having a core group of friends that are all friends with each other. I know I'm getting there, taking steps and I'm getting closer to that, it's just hard.

I have to go back to work now. Blech.
31 October 2010 @ 11:31 am
I went to a Halloween party last night with James, Meaghan, Leanne and Rhonda. I had fun, but couldn't really get into the partying mode.

Also, James made a gay joke...sort of. He started it, and then stumbled around about it and then I walked into the room and heard him trying to say it and then he sort of just stopped and said he didn't remember it. I waited all night for him to bring it up and apologize or try and explain himself or something and of course he didn't.

I brought it up when we got home today and it's been a disaster. He understands why I'm upset and he said that he's ashamed and sorry, but I can't get over it.

I don't think he knows or cares the kind of position he's put me into with this. And I keep flip flopping from trying to just move past it and then thinking that no, this is totally unforgiveable.

And, of course, I keep thinking about how many times he makes gay jokes when I'm not around. It's disgusting. He said it's the first time in years, but who knows? I feel like a fool for believing that.

I know he's not prejudice when it comes right down to it, but I need to be with someone who's more than just "not prejudice" on this issue. I need someone who wants to fight along with me, and my family.

I'm upset because I feel like it shows me that he doesn't think of my family as his family.


So, right now we're not talking and it's awkward and it sucks and I'm not sure what to do.

I'm mad at him for putting us in this position, but mainly I'm just totally shocked and disappointed that he would do it. I thought that he had changed from when I met him. How stupid.
13 October 2010 @ 08:04 pm
Well, I'm home from the mainland after Laura's wedding. It was a nice wedding, very traditional, in the non-religious way, but really beautiful.

Laura looked gorgeous. I didn't cry, but teared up a bunch of times.

I do want to have a big rundown of the whole week I was out there, but I'm too tired and sick to do it right now.

I caught a cold and didn't go to work yesterday or today. I haven't been to work since last month. I shouldn't be going tomorrow, but feel too bad to not.

I want James to come home from work. He said he would be home around 6, and it's 8pm. I hate how he does that. Just keep me posted about when you're coming home! It's not that hard to send a text! Maybe I would've made myself dinner instead of waiting for you. Ugh.
27 September 2010 @ 03:35 pm
I'm really frustrated with the issue of rape today.

It's because of that horrible story in pitt meadows and some peoples opinions on it.

It's just so shocking to me how sexist and stupid people are sometimes.
21 September 2010 @ 03:35 pm
I'm feeling a little down today. Not too bad, but not great either. I wonder if I'll ever find a place where I fit in, or if it will be a struggle my whole life.

Trina quit and gave less than a week notice, so work sucks as I'm covering her shifts and trying to hire and train someone before I go to the mainland for Laura's wedding.

I'm looking forward to the wedding - I like the girls in the bridal party and I've had fun being a maid of honour.

I'm hoping that going to the gym tonight (one class with Meaghan and one with Heather) will perk me up a bit.

I miss my music. For some reason, all the songs on my itunes don't work anymore, so I'm trying to remember them and listen to them on youtube, but it's really not the same.
12 September 2010 @ 11:08 am
It's the absolute perfect rainy sunday today, and I'm pretty happy about it.

I think my natural habitat is being indoors, so the rain suits me fine.

I've had a really great weekend. I went to Beer Fest for the first time with Meaghan, her sister and her sister's roommate, plus James. It was a lot of fun, and I didn't even get too drunk! Some highlights include apricot beer, seeing some gross girl hit on James while he was oblivious, and seeing Meaghan's exboyfriend's penis! lol, too funny.

Then, on Saturday, James and I made homemade (from a box) pizza, and went to Heckler's for comedy with the meetup group. I had a blast! Pretty good people and the one comic was hilarious. Daryl Rhymer...I'm definitely going to make a point of keeping up with his career.

Heather came as well, and I'm still unsure of our friendship. I do like her, but sometimes she's a bit harsh on people. I guess I feel bad for people sometimes and talk to them more than I want to (Kim is a good example), but Heather definitely doesn't do that. I guess in a way I'm jealous, but only slightly. I wish there was a solution besides the two that her and I have found.

James might go to a comedy night tonight with his brother, if he gets around to calling Dave and Dave wants to go.

I hope they go. I need James to make some of his own friends. I had a lot of fun with him and the girls at Beer Fest, but it would've been nice if he had some of his own friends to bring, too.

Things with me and him are on an upswing right now, so that's nice.

I still haven't heard from Kim. :(
07 September 2010 @ 06:38 pm
I've had a really bad day today.

I had a crummy day at work, and James and I had a stupid fight. I'm so restless, I guess. I need change, and I'm scared that I'm falling into a depression again. I know what will help - exercise, meeting more people, going out with the people that I've met - but it's one thing to know it and another to do it.

I'm trying, though.

And in the meantime, I'm watching a lot of 16 and Pregnant on mtv.ca haha

I feel like I had more to say, but the internet is crapping out a bit and I know James is coming home soon, so I'm going to wrap it up. I just wanted to keep up this journal, even if it's minor entries.

Just a couple last thoughts,

Phil Maynard started chatting with me on facebook and it really did cheer me up

I need to write Matt Fairley.